"The pages are still blank, but there is a miraculous feeling of the words being there, written in invisible ink and clamoring to become visible." -Vladimir Nobokov

Sunday, August 11, 2019

Keep Going

Hi friends. I wanted to have a little honest chat about how I've been feeling about my creativity lately, because it hasn't been great.



I've been really struggling with feeling like I'm not making any progress, or more realistically, the fact that I can't recognize the progress I've been making.

I've been working on the second draft of the novel I finished last November, and I'm almost 15,000 words in, but I don't know how to measure my progress in a way that will make me feel accomplished. As such, I've been being really hard on myself about writing, and my habit of constantly getting distracted, and just everything in general.

I think part of the problem is comparison. I follow a lot of creative people on the internet, and I love it because they are a constant source of inspiration. I want to be as prolific as the artists and writers I follow online, but because writing is such a solitary, slow activity I haven't been able to share any of the progress I'm making. It sucks that in today's creative economy, it feels like you're not being "productive" unless you share the results of your efforts. And like, that's part of the creative process, right? I want people to be able to interact with the things I'm making- that's part of the reason why I make things. But at the same time, I hate that the progress I'm making doesn't feel like "real" progress unless somebody else is witness to it. It's like the creative version of "pics or it didn't happen."

I hate that the internet/social media does this to us. I love that the internet/social media connects us to this whole world of creative people I never would have discovered otherwise. I'm very, very conflicted.

I don't know if self doubt is even the right word for what I'm feeling. It's weird, because I've never been more confident in my work. For the longest time I didn't want to even consider submitting short stories to magazines, because I didn't think what I was writing was anywhere near good enough yet. I don't really feel that anymore. It feels like time to start submitting things for publication. I want to rack up rejection letters, because that means I'm finally putting myself out there. But that knowledge doesn't change the fact that every time I sit down to write I have to fight through this mire of fear and distraction and just plain old discomfort. And I know that's normal, and I know that every writer deals with those emotions, but I wish I could fall in love with writing again. I wish I could write the way I did as a kid, where the stories just poured out of me without judgement.

I don't have a neat bow to tie all of this up in. I don't have tips or answers or advice. I'm just trying to make stuff. I want to start posting here more regularly again, because maybe sharing things will make me feel like I'm part of the conversation, like I'm making progress.  Part of me hates that I can't be happy on my own little island of creativity, just slowly plodding along towards the end of my novel. But I've also never felt the urge to put my work out there as strongly as I do now. It's time.

So, I'm trying to be kind, but firm, to myself. I'm going to keep writing my novel, and I'm going to try and enjoy it. I'm going to make things that I can actually share, because I have things I want to say, things that I think are worth reading.

If you're feeling any of these things too, you're not alone. I'd love to know how you handle the topsy-turvy-ness of the social media inspiration vs distraction trap. (Honestly, it feels like a daily see-saw). How do you balance making things to share vs the slow, quiet process of making things just for yourself? And writers: how do you remind yourself that you're making progress???

This girl has a lot of questions and not very many answers. But she's gonna to keep going anyway.

2 comments:

  1. I have a deal with my wife: I'm not allowed to talk in detail about works in progress. I turn over only finished work...usually after a close friend who understands my writing goals gets his look at it. Even with him, I only allow myself one time a year to talk about what I'm doing: on our annual long weekend writing trip.

    With a novel, it might be three to six years before I hear anything and feel like progress was made in the sense of showing what I've done. Day jobs and life get in the way, and there's no shame in that. I don't need to show my work off directly to feel a sense of progress.

    I have a calendar (a white board view of the current month). I clean it off and write in the dates of the next month when it comes along. I feel a sense of progress when I draw a little green "X" on days I feel like I put effort toward my writing. It might be a month of research, but if I spend an hour reading about things I need to know and write nothing at all...I get an X. If I write only a couple hundred words, but I was busy that day and only had fifteen minutes to work on my own things: down goes a green X.

    On days I feel like I did nothing, I make a red X.

    It's a slog, and it might not work for others, but...I kind of like that everything only exists for that one month view. On the last day of the month, good or bad (usually good), even if it's all green Xs, it gets erased and a new month begins. But in that moment, I can usually see that I put more days than not toward what I want to do...and that's progress. (I don't need to see it constantly, but if I did, I would keep a running tally in a notebook.)

    The fastest novel I ever wrote took two months. (And it reads like a novel written in two months!) The last novel took six years. It DOES often feel like I'm on a raft in the middle of an ocean waiting to see a boat or shore. But each day I stay afloat, I know I'll get there.

    And when that happens, ESPECIALLY the books that seemed to be the hardest to write (that also took the longest) usually feel the best when they are done and readable...BECAUSE I felt alone in that sense for years and finally came ashore.

    I can only speak for myself, but stories used to flow out of me. And they were good. I can still get short fiction out fairly fast, but it takes more effort than when I was younger; I think, in part, because I'm a better writer and it's simply no longer enough to finish and get feedback. If a book I'm proud of took 10 years and no one read it...if it's a thing that means so much to me, that's worth more than I can really quantify.

    I hope you find the method that works for you where words come easier again. You can watch others knocking stuff out online, or...you can remember it took 10 years for Anthony Doerr to write the Pulitzer Prize winning ALL THE LIGHT WE CANNOT SEE. Ann Patchett takes a long time to write books. So many great writers do.

    Sure, they are published and have experience, but it wasn't always that way. They all went through similar struggles--we all do.

    I hope knowing that it's all part of the process for many helps in some way. That you care enough to care about your writing in a bigger sense than many who just crank out weak writing for a quick rush over and over means what you're writing is probably more deserving of the time (and even struggles) it takes to make something more than throwaway prose.

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    Replies
    1. Wow, Chris this comment means so much to me. Thank you so much for taking the time to write it.

      I really like your green X/red X system. I tend to think that if I don't hit a certain word count threshold, then the day wasn't a success, but in reality I opened my document and added a few sentences, which some days is half the battle. I also love the idea of only seeing one month at a time- there's something nice and compartmentalized about that. You don't have to grapple with the "big" picture every time you sit down, or at least, you tell yourself you don't have to :)

      I hate that social media perpetuates the idea of the overnight success, and I love the authors you chose as examples of diligence and dedication (Ann Patchett is a patron saint of mine). It's too easy to look at books on a shelf and not realize that each and every one of them was the result of the exact same process I'm going through right now: words on a page, day in and day out.

      I love that we've been following each other for so long, and it really made my day to see your name pop up in the comments again :) I seriously can't express how much it helps to read your encouraging words. I hope all is well with you. Onward and Upward!

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