Thoughts I've Had About the Internet

1. All of these artists and writers I follow are so productive- they're always sharing new work, so they must not struggle with their creativity ever! 

2. Maybe my life would be better if I threw my phone in a lake and lived the rest of my days in a cabin in the mountains without internet

3. Why does it feel like everyone is yelling at each other?

4. I hate it when someone with a large platform posts something obviously just for fun/to document their life, and someone else feels the need to comment something like, "I'm SO disappointed to see that you're still using plastic straws! (or buying fast fashion, or ordering from Amazon, or not eating vegan/organic/raw/whatever, or supporting ____ company with terrible labor practices, etc. etc). We should all try to make ethical choices, but trying to make EVERY choice ethical all the time is exhausting and frankly sometimes financially/emotionally/logistically impossible in the current world we live in.

5. Why does every cooking blog make you scroll for miles to get to the recipe?

6. Do people even read blogs anymore? Why do I still have one?

7. The truth is I want to have an online following. The truth is I'm terrified that the things I have to do to get an online following (post more, be relatable, promote myself/my work) will look weird and self serving to the people who already follow me (especially people I know in real life).

8. Instagram is horrible and fake. Why are we all pretending that it's real???

9. Instagram allows you to glimpse the world through other people's eyes. It's the most creative social media platform.

10. Social media would be so much easier if I was a visual artist instead of a writer. Writing is so solitary and slow and not as aesthetically pleasing as art.

11. I love that Patreon allows creative people to have supplemental income, and it seems like a really great tool. But, like with anything on the internet, will it be around in 20 years? What if it goes the way of Vine? What if all of those people pour their art and their livelihoods into this thing and then one day it's gone?

12. When I was a kid, I wrote journal entries from my dog's POV and posted them on Dogster, which used to be a sort of Facebook for dogs (aka: their owners. Obviously). Now, if you go on Dogster.com it's just an online magazine about dogs? All of the community pages have been taken down, including the rather large number of entires I wrote when I was eight or nine. For some reason that makes me kinda sad?

13. Question I think people should ask more: What's your favorite website? (Mine is Brain Pickings)

14. I love cute animal videos as much as the next person. I HATE the sappy music that plays in the background of almost all of them.

15. The roller skating community is the friendliest, most supportive internet community I've ever encountered. It's where I feel the magic of the Internet the most strongly.

16. There's nothing more disheartening than reading the comments made by guys on a video of a girl skateboarding. (Watch this video for a taste.)

17. Why do I feel that little zing of happiness when I read something/see a meme that I relate to? Even when it's something small and stupid. Why do we crave that little bloom of recognition so much?

18. I'm going to do a social media detox. *5 min later* How did I get on Instagram without even realizing it?

19. Maybe if I gave up social media I'd have more time. Or maybe I'd just find a way to waste it on something else.

20. I still sometimes have these moments where I'm in awe of what the internet can do. You can type anything (anything!!) into the search bar, and there are thousands of people talking/writing about that very thing. You can learn anything you want. If you're curious about something, all it takes is a few clicks. It's the ultimate knowledge tool - bigger than any library in the world. And isn't it just so HUMAN of us to have made this incredible knowledge machine, and fill it with cat videos.

Keep Going

Hi friends. I wanted to have a little honest chat about how I've been feeling about my creativity lately, because it hasn't been great.

I've been really struggling with feeling like I'm not making any progress, or more realistically, the fact that I can't recognize the progress I've been making.

I've been working on the second draft of the novel I finished last November, and I'm almost 15,000 words in, but I don't know how to measure my progress in a way that will make me feel accomplished. As such, I've been being really hard on myself about writing, and my habit of constantly getting distracted, and just everything in general.

I think part of the problem is comparison. I follow a lot of creative people on the internet, and I love it because they are a constant source of inspiration. I want to be as prolific as the artists and writers I follow online, but because writing is such a solitary, slow activity I haven't been able to share any of the progress I'm making. It sucks that in today's creative economy, it feels like you're not being "productive" unless you share the results of your efforts. And like, that's part of the creative process, right? I want people to be able to interact with the things I'm making- that's part of the reason why I make things. But at the same time, I hate that the progress I'm making doesn't feel like "real" progress unless somebody else is witness to it. It's like the creative version of "pics or it didn't happen."

I hate that the internet/social media does this to us. I love that the internet/social media connects us to this whole world of creative people I never would have discovered otherwise. I'm very, very conflicted.

I don't know if self doubt is even the right word for what I'm feeling. It's weird, because I've never been more confident in my work. For the longest time I didn't want to even consider submitting short stories to magazines, because I didn't think what I was writing was anywhere near good enough yet. I don't really feel that anymore. It feels like time to start submitting things for publication. I want to rack up rejection letters, because that means I'm finally putting myself out there. But that knowledge doesn't change the fact that every time I sit down to write I have to fight through this mire of fear and distraction and just plain old discomfort. And I know that's normal, and I know that every writer deals with those emotions, but I wish I could fall in love with writing again. I wish I could write the way I did as a kid, where the stories just poured out of me without judgement.

I don't have a neat bow to tie all of this up in. I don't have tips or answers or advice. I'm just trying to make stuff. I want to start posting here more regularly again, because maybe sharing things will make me feel like I'm part of the conversation, like I'm making progress.  Part of me hates that I can't be happy on my own little island of creativity, just slowly plodding along towards the end of my novel. But I've also never felt the urge to put my work out there as strongly as I do now. It's time.

So, I'm trying to be kind, but firm, to myself. I'm going to keep writing my novel, and I'm going to try and enjoy it. I'm going to make things that I can actually share, because I have things I want to say, things that I think are worth reading.

If you're feeling any of these things too, you're not alone. I'd love to know how you handle the topsy-turvy-ness of the social media inspiration vs distraction trap. (Honestly, it feels like a daily see-saw). How do you balance making things to share vs the slow, quiet process of making things just for yourself? And writers: how do you remind yourself that you're making progress???

This girl has a lot of questions and not very many answers. But she's gonna to keep going anyway.